I Can Breathe

My trainer became a runner by saying to herself over and over, “I can breathe.”

She was simply aiming to motivate my tired peers and myself during workout class when she told us, but being newly pregnant, I recognized those three words as the most coveted advice. Advice for everything.

I can breathe.

I’m 13 weeks pregnant (+3 days). I’m anxious. All the time. Not anxious in that I’m chomping at the bit to meet and hold my baby as soon as possible or I’ll pull my hair out, no, the time will pass, as it always does, and I have A LOT to do to prepare. My anxiety lives a little further below the surface, which makes sense, because that’s where my baby lives. I’m anxious for my baby to be okay. Pregnancy is scary. Babies are delicate. There are so many things beyond our control. Sometimes, bad things happen. Sometimes, babies aren’t okay.

I can breathe.

I’ve only recently made the connection that life is just like pregnancy. Life is scary. Humans are delicate. There are so many things beyond our control. Sometimes, bad things happen. Sometimes, the ones we love aren’t okay. Ironically though, that’s what makes the whole journey so dang beautiful. Because life is scary, it’s exhilarating. Because humans are delicate, they are the greatest treasure. Because so many things are beyond our control, we’re free. Because bad things happen, we don’t take the good for granted. There’s so much good. Because the ones we love aren’t going to be okay, we love them harder than we knew we could.

I can breathe.

Fear isn’t entirely negative. Discovering the beauty buried in fear has helped me breathe during my pregnancy thus far. When I intentionally breathe, I can feel my whole body wrapping itself around my baby. Hugging it. Embracing it. I won’t let fear of what could happen hinder me from fully embracing this astronomic little gift. I can’t. In all reality, my baby is already earth side, it just happens to live inside of me. Up until a few months ago, I never questioned people talking about the mothers pregnant women were going to be. Now though, I find it strange. Now I know. Pregnant women are already mothers. Anyone who has ever been pregnant already knows a love free from conditions, a love fiercer than any other. Motherhood started with my magical poppy seed and ends when I die, if then. I’m already more blessed than my mere human mind can comprehend. This journey is scary beautiful. And I can breathe.